Sunday, February 23, 2014

Rock bottom Lonely

I’ve been at my rock bottom lately. I’m so lonely I can’t stand it. I left my husband a couple of months ago and I didn’t remember that lonely could be so painful. It drags me away from my desk, it sucks the pleasure out of my sports, and it interrupts me in the middle of conversations and takes me to my bed where I could cry for days. I know it is time to get past it. I’m determined to make progress this weekend.

I’m tempted to be mad at girlfriends because they should spend more time with me. If I only had more conversations, hugs and kisses I would be ok. But I know better than that. This happiness I am searching for must be inside me. No external relationship is going to fix this for real.

I remember back to my first marriage where I was extremely lonely. I cried hysterically and my husband who didn’t know what to do with me bought me music cd’s and flowers. I was drunk a lot just to be numb enough to not feel the pain. I did other really stupid things trying to ease my pain and eventually I left that relationship.

I went to live with a girlfriend which was comforting and I picked up a boyfriend quite quickly and wasn’t lonely any more. But unfortunately I missed an opportunity to learn about lonely and what makes me truly happy.

So I’m back to being lonely again and this time I’m going to learn. The biggest thing I have discovered in my recent reading is that the only thing one really needs to correct in their thoughts is that one is separated from God. Once one understands that God has your back there really is no reason to fear anything. God is love, all love, period.

Quoting from A Course in Miracles “Perfect love casts out fear, if fear exists, then there is not perfect love.
Only perfect love exists. If there is fear, it produces a state that does not exist.
Believe this and you will be free. Only God can establish this solution, and this faith is his gift.”

I’ve been seeking security lately; I’ve been trying to predict the future. Actually I’ve been trying to plot the future, if I do ‘x’ will ‘y’ happen? And it’s just driving me crazy. I’m realizing the real security in life is in trusting that God is taking care of me.

“If God be for you who can be against you? Shackles may be off of the feet but they are still wrapped around some minds” – Gabby Douglas gold medal winner 2012 Summer Olympics
I think that kind of explains where I’m at now. I know in my heart God is good, I’ve seen lots of miracles in my lifetime but my brain is currently wrapped up in my fear and loneliness.

I am constantly reading, studying, watching videos, writing in my journal and praying. I feel like I am on a better track now than I was a few days ago. I have the knowledge I need to work through this and I will.

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